


baby steps

by Cereal_at_2am



Series: The trees look different at night [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Tried, Not Beta Read, Past Suicide Attempt, Therapy, it's mentioned - Freeform, lol, talks about existential stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:33:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29271792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cereal_at_2am/pseuds/Cereal_at_2am
Summary: It's good to just say it out loud sometimes.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Dr. Emile Picani
Series: The trees look different at night [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2109405
Kudos: 17





	baby steps

"Why do we bother, if nothing we do, or think, is real? What if the only reason I feel like this is because I let myself? If we're not real, are our problems, then?" 

Janus tried to keep his voice even, but he was barely above a whisper now. 

His eyes were burning, but his dignity wouldn't allow him to cry in front of someone again, even if that someone was his therapist. 

"I believe that we're as real as Thomas makes us, and that happens to make us more human that we'd like to." 

Dr. Picani shifted in his seat, looking relaxed. Not giving away any indication that this conversation made him uncomfortable, like they weren't discussing the idea of their existence being nothing but a mere thought. 

If anything, Picani looked interested, open, ready to talk him through it, and ready to use some of his favorite shows to reference while he's at it.

Janus found comfort in that, how silly it may be. 

"You liked to use the plane crash metaphor, a while back. Keeping Morality from pushing Thomas to a quest of complete sacrifice for the world.  
You seemed very familiar on the subject of mental health." 

"You know about that?" 

"It might sound surprising, but I'm actually very good at listening." Picani smiled, somewhat ominously. 

Janus couldn't help but mirror his gestures, intrigued by the concept in front of him.  
They knew so little about each other, yet shared so much in terms of awareness. 

Of course these figments knew about everything Thomas was up to. 

They were all part of the same person, after all. And little Tomathy gave them as much information to just fit the character, subconsciously or not. 

With a smidgen of shame, Janus realized that this meant his poor attempt at ending his own life was spread around the mindscape as well. 

And just like that, he wanted to curl up in bed and never leave his room again. 

_Again._

"I'd like to think I know what I'm talking about." 

"Do you?" 

"I have experience, I think."

With what, Janus didn't quite know. Maybe he knew what is healthy, where to set your boundaries, take time for yourself or maybe what a crisis looks like because he goes through the same thing and knows how it would have effected their Thomas. 

Because he knows the end result. And he could have stopped the plane from crashing. 

Janus has to remind himself that he did that, while tedious, stressful, and not without sacrifices, he managed to convince them to stop and take a breath. 

And in the midst of the chaos, he forgot to breathe himself. 

How hypocritical. 

Picani checked his notes again, keeping a neutral expression. Janus took a deep breath, running his fingers through his unruly hair.  
The hat and cape discarded. Put away on the hanger next to the door.

He doesn't remember why he wore them anymore. More layers, more disguises? More defenses, more walls?  
The weight the cape and the hat put onto his shoulders and head stopped grounding him a long time ago.  
Now, they only made him feel trapped. 

Virgil advised him to take them off if they made him uncomfortable, of all sides.

Funny how roles can be passed around the moment one is incapable of doing their job anymore. 

Janus took a deep breath, stopping himself from a harmful thought spiral. 

He could do this.

He can do his job.

He knows what he's doing.

That's what he likes to believe anyway. But a small voice, his own, reminded himself of his very prominent side job as Denial.  
Suddenly, he wasn't so sure he was telling himself the truth. 

"I think... I think that I always overthink things. I think I want to belief I know what I'm doing. I think I don't actually do." 

"You think you don't know what you're doing?"

"I think I know my jobs. The titles I was given. I'm Deceit. I'm Denial, I'm Selfishness, I'm Self-Preservation. But I'm also Janus."

"That you are."

"But the last one. It's an actual name. It doesn't carry a purpose. Or an intention. It justs exists. And apparently I'm that too. But I don't know what it does."

Janus crossed his arms, a subconscious gesture to shield himself. 

"Do you want your name to be another job of yours?"

He paused, looking at the psychologist, unsure. 

"I uh... no, not really, I think. I don't know! It's just, I've never been anything else to them, and now they know my name and I'm just supposed to be... Janus? I... I don't know who that person is. I don't think Janus is real, Emile." 

Picani pushed his glasses back up, taking a deep breath, before writing something down. 

Janus tried not to feel selfconscious.   
He looked at the wall, at the clock above the door. They still had about twenty minutes left, but he was getting tired. 

"I think.... I think I'm done for today. I don't have the energy to talk anymore."

Janus crossed his arms, leaning back into the seat. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes.

"That's perfectly alright. We can schedule another appointment next week, if you'd like."

Maybe he would. This did seem to work, it has gotten better with keeping his thoughts collected. And he was definitely talking more, now.

"Yeah, I think I would like to."

As Picani scribbled in his notebook, Janus stood up to collect his capelet. The clock above the door kept ticking, filling the otherwise now silent room with noise. 

Enough noise to keep him distracted. The therapist gave Janus a small smile, before he disappeared behind a closing door as the snake-like side left the room.

_Until next week, I guess._

Remus was standing in the hallway, playing with what looked like wooden block.

"Janny! Look at this thing! Lolo gave me that."

"Is that a puzzle?"

"Yeah, he said you can open it, but I'm not allowed to smash it."

Remus excitedly played with the wooden box, telling Janus about his adventures in the imagination. 

And as they arrived at their little corner they've come to call home, he couldn't help but think back to the earlier conversation with Picani.

_As real as Thomas makes us...?_


End file.
